I was on the phone with my mom. I was talking to her about dropping my shakespeare class because the teacher makes Shakespeares plays dry and boring…..
She said that “I shouldn’t just quit.” “What were you thinking when you signed up for that class? What would you use that class for?”
My response “I thought it’d be fun” when I signed up I thought that having background on literature as interesting and revolutionary as shakespeare would be beneficial for teaching in Japan.
My mom says “what are you gonna do with your life? What if you don’t go to Japan?”
My mom has always said that she thinks if anyone could do it, I could. My mom is the one person I have always looked to for advice on this. There isn’t anyone else who has shown as much of an interest in it as she has
I guess her and presumably many others faith in me isn’t as strong as I thought it was.
I know she loves me, and just doesn’t want me to fail, or to be disappointed, or to have nothing if it doesnt work out….I understand her concern and I love her for it….but,
I have no back up plan.
I didn’t think I needed one….
Nor will I make one.
Some would probably call me stupid for my overconfidence and blind faith in myself. But I don’t think of it that way. Having a back up plan would mean that I don’t trust my abilities to be able to make it in Japan. That I have to have an escape…that I NEED to have an out.
I can’t do that. I can’t have an out. If I have something to fall back on…why would I try my best in Japan? Why would I have to build up an unnatural optimistic view to get me through hard times? I wouldn’t do my best because then I would know I have something waiting for me back in California. I would have people who will say “its OK it didn’t work out… You tried your best.” But that wouldn’t be true. Trying my best……it’s not gonna come if I know there’s something waiting for me.
Was everyone just encouraging me to humor me?
Did they think it’s a phase I’ll soon get over?
Did they think I would back out when I discovered how much work it will be?
I don’t doubt myself…..I refuse to….I don’t have a backup plan….that’s admitting that I have a fear of picking myself up by my boot straps and just going for it….I will admit…its a scary thing.
There are so many variables I have to account for.
What other 17 yr old loses sleep over what I worry about? While most people my age worry about who to date next, what party is happening this weekend, and about what to wear for prom…..
I’m thinking about:
Job hunting in Japan
Creating a formal résumé in Japanese
Creating lesson plans for examples for interviews
Gaining a tutoring clientele
Finding an Apartment or room to rent
Hotels when I first arrive
Packing and sending over boxes
Finding american products to get a taste of home
Making new friends
I am 100% serious
Even if I have no one supporting my dream, even if I don’t have anyone who truly believes in me, even if I have to do it all on my own……..I’ll do it. Of course I would love to have the love and support of my family and friends….I don’t want my grandparents and sister and parents to have to worryu about me constantly, or to be sad that I didn’t head their kind and very very wise advice of having something to fall back on.
I have no doubt in my mind that I can make it happen….something being scary doesn’t mean its not gonna happen …… Sure….the whole thing is a little sketchy, I may have read a crap ton of books about it, but actually being there will be different.
I am aware of the struggles I will have.
I am aware of the possibility of failure….but that’s just a possibility….a possibility I refuse to be a part of. I will make this happen for myself. I’m not gonna waste my time preparing a back up plan……I have 2 years and 8 months until I am 20, I have no time to waste.
I have to go….and learn on the way….I can’t be wishy washy and have no firm conviction.
I want to do this.
I need to do this.
And I only hope that I will have my family and friends rooting for me.
If worse comes to worse and I end up back in California, I’ll figure out what to do then… I have to take it one step at a time….
Even if they’re baby steps because I didn’t have a back up plan.
Mom, if you’re reading this…,,I need you. I need your and dads support. How did you end up with a daughter like me you may ask? Who only has one thing on her mind, Japan. And why am I so strong willed and stubborn and so loud and probably too passionate?
It’s because you raised me right, you raised me to not give up. To put my mind to something and stick with it. I may be totally weird and I like to randomly dress up in costumes you don’t understand and act goofy making faces all the time….but this time I’m serious.
I’m committed to this….I have been since elementary school.
If I don’t end up in Japan what good is my knowledge of Kabuki, Geisha, Japanese traditions, and learning Japanese? Because if you look around…. We don’t actually have any Japanese epeople near us.
I know I’m looking at this goal or dream or plan or whatever anyone wants to call this kind of simply, but that’s why I need you mom. You are the planner. I need to learn those skills for you. I need you to make me an adult….even if my feet cant touch the ground in most chairs…
I need you. I have to learn. Because I WILL move there…, but I’m going to need your help. And I’m going to need your support. And your belief in me that I can do this, and that I know my stuff. It’ll be tough….but I know I can do it.
And I’d really love your help.
I love you, so please….don’t think this blog is silly, help me out…and please don’t get mad that I’m typing this in the shakespeare class I want to drop.
I know I shouldve told you this to your face, but I don’t want any chance of arguing, and I can never seem to get out the words I really want to say.
What do you think mom? Can I do it?